For your attempt this morning to get me to work in a record time of 10 minutes, so much so that due to the intense speed the train was rocking and everyone was swaying enough that I bumped my head twice against the wall, for this, I want you to know, I forgive you.

Sincerely,
Adam Cornelius Vanderbilt Hussein

Screw you, screw you deeply. At this point, you are more effort than you are worth. If it is not the cable modem, which has broken AGAIN, possibly, nobody can tell me what the problem is, for the second time in 3 weeks, even if that is working, after we got a replacement this week, and after a guy came in to take a look at the situation, which he then "fixed," after of course, 4 days with no internets, now we have to wait another 4 days with no internets, because it seems the repair men work on the same asinine schedule that the DMV and the Social Security office works on, i.e. from 8-4 and only during the week, so you need a student, or a nanny, or an old grandmother to let them in the house if you actually want to get to work that day, God knows what we will do for this kind of nonsense once Neal gets a full time job or moves, even then, I have to deal with the fantastical annoyingness of the wireless internets.

Now I am generally not one of those technological naysayers who poo poo any new technology, or believe that everything made these days is a piece of shit, destined to fail in about 6 months, just after your warranty expires. No, I believe with a certain amount of research and know-how, stick-to-it-tivness, and good ol' American pluck, you can get a good 3-5 years of almost any piece of personal electronics (that amount of time is only coincidentally the same amount of time that long term warranties last, bastards). So when someone suggested a wireless router set up, to accommodate our 4 computers in the house, I was both pleased and amazed that it worked, pretty flawlessly for 4 solid years. It was a glorious time for my ageing computer and the gigabytes upon gigabytes of illegal movies, music, comic books and software I downloaded. Of course, I didn't realize how awesome it was to be able to send someone an email, download virus updates, or have a proper instant message conversation either, all things I could no longer properly do with my shit new set up.

So we bought the new fangled, new tech, more powerful and faster wireless router, it worked...not very well. Horribly well actually. You see, if the internets isn’t working, it is simple enough; I just don’t use the blamed thing. I use it at work, I use it on my phone, at Carrie's, hell, I am online way too much anyway, so no big loss. But when I can use it for, lets say 3 minutes, and then I lose the connection in the middle of downloading, fall off my im conversation, then have to repair the connection, restart the downloads, try to catch up on the im conversation (for some reason, the other party can't tell I lost my connection and keep on talking to me, sending their responses into the ether, and getting mad when I don’t respond), only to have my connection fail either 30 seconds or 10 minutes or 6 minutes later and so on ad nausem. It is annoying and infuriating and never ending. The only light at the end of the tunnel is my oddly strong neighbor’s wireless connections, which also fail, just slightly less often and have the added delight of being less secure and add the fa-ba-lo-us option of easy hacking to my awesomely awesome internet bulcrapity crap woes. In closing, let me repeat and summarize: Internets, screw you, screw you from behind. Thank you.

Sincerely,
Adam Cornelius Vanderbilt Hussein

Please, get with it. You either get exhausted and start whining after walking 2 blocks, or suddenly feel that the best way to save two dollars is to walk forty blocks instead of having a 5 minute subway ride. Two dollars? Why, that could buy you a third of a beer! Hot shit. But seriously, everybody knows how cool real New Yorkers are. Their secrets? Let me tell you:

1) Walk fast.
2) Unless you can take public transportation. It is perfectly fine to wait 15 minutes for a 3 minute subway ride, it makes sense mathematically.
3) Its never the heat, it’s the humidity.
4) Stop talking to strangers, you might think it’s adorable, but you are crying out to be stabbed/mugged/converted/asked if you need directions.
5) Get an Ipod. Then buy headphones that aren't white, so nobody knows you have one.
6) Stop commenting on how odd/interesting/annoying it is that everybody walks fast, takes public transportation, how humid it is, that nobody talks to each other, and everybody is listening to headphones.

You're Welcome.

Sincerely,

Adam Cornelius Vanderbilt Hussein

So, True Story, I was on the fence about whether or not to get a haircut, but then I was in a Subway station and something dripped on me and that took the decision out of my hands and put it in the hands of the God of Nasty Things in the Subway. He decreed that I should banish the hair from my head, cut it off with blades, then sweep it with brooms, and if it still isn't dead enough, throw it in the trash. So he said, and so it shall be.

Sincerely,
Adam Cornelius Vanderbilt Hussein.

When the weather turns 50 degrees Fahrenheit, it is proper to take off your long johns. When the weather turns 60, then you can change to a light jacket. Only when the weather turns 70 are you allowed to wear a shirt by itself. Also, keep in mind that it can still be cold at night and the stupid buses always have too cold AC's on. Also, please keep in mind that when you figure out all of this information on one weekend trip to New Jersey, you should remember it the next week when you take almost the exact same trip, with the exact same weather, and wear very similar clothes and end up being very stylish, but very, very cold for long periods of time, you blithering idiot. Thanks.

Yours truly,
Adam Cornelius Vanderbilt Hussein

If you ever lose your cat again, only this time for real, not just as a way to get some sympathy, you can have the stray that lives occasionally in my backyard, though if I need to get him for you, I will need to go on the hunt!

Sincerely Yours,
Adam Cornelius Vanderbilt Hussein.

Dear Lady who "accidentally" feel into my lap when the subway train lurched suddenly,

I don’t play like that. I have no need of your very physical and very public displays of affection, as I have a much lovelier girlfriend who gives me much more physical and much more public displays of affection. Thank you and I hope this issue has been properly resolved, as I have no desire to issue an Underground Sexual Harassment suit against you.

Sincerely,
Adam Cornelius Vanderbilt Hussein

Stop being so teh suck, so I can search for another excuse for not working out. Thank you.


Sincerely,
Adam Cornelious Vanderbilt Hussein